Holidaze

So many exciting things happening and I have been in a complete DAZE for most of it.  My bed time is still around 7pm (needless to say I'm missing a nice chunk of the day) and yet I'm still VERY sleepy.  I'm finding it hard to finish sentences (which makes blog-writing quite a challenge) and often lose my train of thought mid-sentence.  When I say DAZE I mean I am typically outgoing, talkative and extremely and overly excited about things...and lately a smile (that comes from auto-pilot and not necessarily from fully understanding my surroundings) is about much as you’ll get out of me.  I feel like such a bore to be around and primarily worry that JCH is really getting the worst of it.

Last Wednesday was our 2nd ultrasound and so exciting!  It was the first ultrasound with my OB-GYN (since leaving Winslow and Patty in Florida) and so we had a lot to cover.  After we had gotten through my 100 (x100000) questions we moved on to the fun part.  Dr. Conatser, the ultrasound tech and JCH all stared at the screen that I couldn't see for over ONE MINUTE and nobody said a word (or showed expression on their faces).  FINALLY Dr. C tells me that they found "it" and that there is a heartbeat.  It took nearly a minute for them to find "it" and for that minute I was slightly freaking out.  Then JCH pulls out his phone and asks if we can record the heart beat.  Dr. C is very apprehensive about using the "high frequency" ultrasound equipment for too long so we literally got about 3 seconds...BEST 3 seconds of my life!!!  Without even playing it back on JCH's phone I feel like I can hear it's heartbeat in my head, and feel it in my body.  Yesterday I took a lukewarm bath (I'm not supposed to have a hot bath just yet) and the little pool of water in my belly button looked as though it was moving along to a heart beat..."mine or the babys'?", I wondered.  Really cool to even think it might be the baby (although I understand I’m a 1st trimester mommy-to-be, hopeful for exciting and fun signs of the pregnancy and not just puking and tired).

Lima Bean last week-a Grape this week!

Remember the spokesperson role that JCH had taken on?  Now imagine brainless me and a 15 person film and lighting crew (I say that, but it surprisingly wasn't all that bad).  JCH completely downplayed (or just wasn't paying attention to) the whole "guy from CALIFORNIA coming out to film us" scenario.  JCH said 1-2 people would come over…there were 15 people-3 guys filming, 2 sound tech, 3 light techs, 3 photographers, and a hair and make-up person…plus a couple extra people for interviewing and moving furniture.  They literally turned my house upside down.  It was really cool how they morphed our personal space into looking like a studio.  I didn’t get that many pictures because I was slightly overwhelmed but I do have a couple to share.

Another REALLY exciting thing is that we are flying home to see our families over the holidays!  We are flying from Charleston to Minot, North Dakota to spend Christmas with my family, and than from there will fly to DFW, Texas to spend New Years with my in-laws.  I was hopeful for a white Christmas in North Dakota but unfortunately there is no snow on the ground or in the 10 day forecast.  The good news is that decreases the chances we will have trouble with our flights.  The bad news is that I bought my snow boots for no reason, I don’t get to make a snow man and snow angels with my nieces, and we wont get to go sledding (though that was a questionable activity for me anyway).  How is there no snow in one of the coldest places in the country? Rude.

Lastly, one of my best friends in the whole world (who introduced JCH and I in college) has gifted the great city of NYC with her impeccable taste and beyond ridiculous resources and attention to detail (this girl gets it done-and better than anyone I know).  She has started her own boutique event planning and styling company- Ever Swoon (facebook page here).  She has an amazing personal blog called “Walks with Bella” and she was the friend who suggested and inspired me to write a blog to share my IVF experience.  Starting Ever Swoon is such a huge…HUGE step in her life and I feel like my tiredness and sickness have caused me to be absent from supporting her and following her through this exciting launch.  Normally the two of us would spend hours video chatting online and sending each other links to websites (pre-Pinterest days) of inspiration and excitement.  How could I be missing so much? The only explanation is that I REALLY am THAT tired and THAT sick!  But I won’t fret—I’ll be back! 

I’m hoping I’ve only got a couple weeks left of this DAZE and I will be feeling like my normal self again.  For the sake of my husband, my friendships and hell I’ll just say it…my sex life! 

I have been extremely sentimental the past few days and we're still settling on an “en utero” name.  I’m playing around with the idea of “miracle baby” (but not so literal)…I’ve tried translating that to Latin, German, Norwegian to see if I could get a cute catchy word with no luck so far-- cudo pronounced “chewdo” means “miracle” in Croatian but I feel like that’s kinda a stretch-what do you think? We’ve got to stop calling our baby “it”!

Well...anyway...Happy Holidaze! :) (pun intended)



Equipment and crew outside of my house



make-up and hair while they set up in the background

TRAIN WRECK

I’m falling apart (or maybe I’ve always been this way and my heightened senses are making me finally see it).

I should have had my flu shot yesterday (or weeks ago for that matter) and yet I’m still sitting here typing just as vulnerable as ever (without one).  Two days ago we had a very adorable little baby in our office and today we found out he has the flu.  Yes I coddled him-played with his cheeks, feet and hands while he was here (how could I resist?).  Now I’m freaking out!  I should go get my flu shot after work but I’m so tired I feel like I can barely even drive home.

Speaking of tired… I’ve been increasingly tired lately.  I fell asleep on the couch last night (per the usual) and when John got me up to go to sleep in our bed I had a little crying fit.  Picture a two year old when they are up WAY past their bed time and they are so tired that they get super cranky…that was me last night- I couldn’t help it, I had a crying fit!  I’m so tired.  I’m tired in the morning, and during the day, and talk about a “mid-day slump”-mine is worse than you can imagine and it doesn’t get any better from there.  What is even worse about my tiredness is that I could have been preventing it to some degree.  I spoke to Patty at F.I.R.M. today and she asked if I was getting tired and I told her that I was a zombie.  She asked if I was doing my progesterone insertions at night and I told her one in the morning and one at night.  She told me that I should ONLY be doing them at night.  "One when I get home and one right before bed and to tell JCH that I am out of commission from that point on" (her exact words).  So basically she is telling me that I have been “out of commission” for the past 3 weeks all day every day! OIY! That explains a lot! I’ll let you know how I feel once I start ONLY doing them at night! Thank goodness for Patty (but how did I seriously miss those instructions?).

Other than that…super green (and it’s not from my Green Monsters).  I have been getting increasingly nauseous lately.  I puked for my first time today…and it was while driving.  I pulled into the Starbucks parking lot without even putting my car into park or being in a space and flung my door open.  People ACTUALLY honked at me as if it wasn’t obvious what was going on (so embarrassing).

On top of being SUPER tired and SUPER sick I’m slightly overwhelmed.  JCH and I have so many big decisions to make in the next coming weeks.  PLUS, he has been chosen as the new spokes model for a pharmaceutical company that produces a drug that he takes.  So a man is flying out from California to video tape and snap photos of us in our “every day life” and natural environment (yes, in my house).  I know I shouldn’t worry but those who know me know that I am slightly OCD about “presentation” and our house has to be perfect for this.  YIKES! Wish me luck!

ME-last night! :(

So, yep, train wreck! That’s what I am.

Groundbreaking!

TUMMY changes-I was beginning to doubt the reality of my pregnancy since I've felt so good the past few weeks (no chance I'm just one of those lucky girls) and just as it seems I was almost hoping for it, “here comes the nausea”! WHOA! Yesterday I struggled in the morning and just as I was planning out my “sprite and cracker day” my awesome husband brings me some “sea bands” (sea bands are wristbands that fisherman use that activate a pressure point on the wrist that is supposed to prevent nausea).  All day I was slightly nauseous but not nearly as bad as I was that morning.  As you can imagine the sea bands are NOT comfortable so today I opted to see what I would be like without them…ugh…not good.  I’ve been snacking all morning and just as I was force-feeding my 3rd snack of the morning- my blueberry muffins- I awakened my gag-reflux.  Put the muffins down and find a toilet asap! UGH!  This afternoon I ran to pick up a few bottles of ginger-ale and that has surprisingly helped…a lot! My mind couldn't rest easy until I was actually symptomatically pregnant (and miserable)!

CRAVINGS- I’m not really having cravings except for-for things that I am not allowed to eat- club sandwiches (no deli meat), oysters (we have huge oyster roasts all over Charleston this time of year-so it’s kind of like torture to not be able to eat oysters), and sushi (yeah sure I can eat a California Roll-but who wants to).  As soon as something sounds good in my head I can’t seem to get rid of the thought of eating it.  So far it’s only been oranges, pickles, and chicken caesar salads (not so strange-just yet).

REALITY- Both JCH and I have had some serious reality checks within the past few weeks.  By now most of us have watched a video of a woman giving birth.  I’ve watched a few-in high school, in college and possibly once just out of curiosity.  Recently JCH and I were talking about a friends labor issues and HE decided to pull up a video.  It hit me! That is going to be me in about 7 months!  The contents of the video suddenly became MUCH MUCH worse!  I guess before, it was difficult to identify with and understand the woman’s feelings and difficulties, but now that I am envisioning myself doing it, it looks like the most painful thing to have to happen to a person (which is usually the description).  TOTAL reality CHECK for me.  JCH and I went to visit our dear friends in Asheville, NC this weekend and their new beautiful 5 WEEK OLD son.  What an amazing weekend!  I cooed and cried and couldn’t get enough of him.  JCH took a whole day before he even got up the courage to hold him (at which point looked like he had shit his pants-JCH that is-not the baby).  At one point in the trip the baby had gotten a little fussy and JCH looked at me in fear as if he was wondering what we had gotten ourselves into (I know he doesn't feel that way-just a little reality check). This spurred a lot of conversation on the drive home.  We need to start meeting with child care providers, and figure out if we want to buy a house or move, or stay where we are, what to call our “in utero” baby (peanut, sprout, baby-h, alien, etc.), and we also tossed around some potential baby names.  What a great trip!  So much of this past week was necessary and beneficial to helping JCH and I get motivated to start making some important decisions!  We’ve got SO MUCH to do in SO LITTLE time.

Amongst the sickness and tiredness I have not forgotten how lucky we are to be pregnant and how excited we are to have a chance at being parents!  EVERY SINGLE DAY I worry about my little "in utero", and am constantly thinking about what I put into my body and what I do physically that might effect it.  I'm 100% thinking about this baby and how excited we are to be pregnant and hopeful parents! WE CANT WAIT! Our little "in utero" is about the size of a blueberry today! Growing fast!

I feel like this cartoon-luckily for me, most people have said I'm glowing (in a good way)

Pregnancy Brain

We had our very first ultrasound yesterday morning down in Jacksonville with Dr. Winslow at F.I.R.M., and with all of that driving Wednesday and Thursday I was just too exhausted to write an update.  You won’t believe what we did.

Winslow comes into the room and tells us that we are 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant and that we should be able to see and hear a heartbeat by now.  I asked him if I could record it and he smiled and said, “of course”!  The ultrasound begins and within seconds Winslow is able to tell us that we have ONE strong rapid heartbeat.  Yes, just one.  One healthy baby!  Winslow measured our baby and said it is growing at a perfect rate, and that its heartbeat is solid and strong (which is another thing they look for and like to see).  As soon as I text my mom she says, “rapid heartbeat means its a baby girl”!  I guess she’s had 4 of us- she should be able to tell by now.  Let the betting pools begin.  Winslow looked around a little more to be sure one wasn’t hiding and we talk A LOT about our miracle baby and how it’s growing and before I know it I’m sitting up and asking my “questions” and everyone is getting a little chuckle at my expense. 

As I’m getting dressed it instantly occurs to me that WE DIDN’T LISTEN TO THE HEARTBEAT! Somehow every single one of us got so caught up in talking that we forgot to listen to the heartbeat.  JCH asked if I wanted him to grab the doctor so we could do it, but we decided it would give us something else to look forward to the next time.  SILLY BILLY’s…I cannot believe we forgot!  After all of the anticipation of getting to hear it and we forgot!  So now the next big thing (other than watching the progression of our babies’ growth and to be sure it remains healthy) is to LISTEN to the heartbeat.  SO EXCITED!

In the meantime, I’m feeling pretty good.  I’m just barely a little queasy.  I get waves of nausea randomly throughout the day but its manageable and nothing like I was expecting.  I’m still SO TIRED though.  That has definitely been the hardest part of all of this…and with no coffee either!

Our baby is almost the size of a blueberry right now and growing fast.  I’m still drinking my “green monsters” and trying to eat sweet potatoes and other super foods to keep my baby growing strong.  I haven’t picked up my prenatal yoga videos yet, but I feel like my hips and thighs are growing exponentially every day…so I need to start getting some exercise.  The next ultrasound is 2-3 weeks but I will keep y’all posted in the meantime with any changes.

This little handsome man is a friend of mines' nephew.  Seriously one of the cutest things I've seen in a long time.  Can anyone tell me where I can find that toy? SERIOUSLY SO CUTE!

Giving Thanks

Now that we are pregnant I cant help but think about what kind of parents JCH and I will be and it makes me nostalgic about my childhood and how I was raised.  Nostalgia sets in strong Thanksgiving morning.  Even though I'm not waking up to my mom baking with the parade in the background and me and my 3 crazy sisters running around in our pj's and fighting for the bathroom I still had an irresistible urge to repeat history and follow traditions.  So yesterday when I woke up I tuned into the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade and started to make JCH and I breakfast.  As I cooked I reflected over the past few months and cried (hormones) in disbelief at how lucky we've been and was overwhelmed with the many things we have to be thankful for (yes I'm about to get sappy).

As with each year I am thankful for the wonderful people I call family.  JCH and I have started working on this creative writing exercise where we write down "My mom always..." and "My mom never..." (and also dad) and then we talk about what we had written down and decide together how that has shaped us and why we would like to be that way (or not) for our children.  Among the many ways I hope to be like my mom there are some unique traits that I feel compelled to share.  My mother always let us play and get dirty, just like kids should.  My mom always cooked "from scratch meals" and tried very hard to interest us in cooking with her (making it a family event).  My mom gave us freedom to make our own decisions (but a solid foundation that she could trust we wouldn't let her down).  My mom always tickled our feet to wake us up in the morning (yes it drove me crazy) with the smell and promise of a delicious breakfast (totally made up for it).  My mom pinched our cheeks and called us "stinky butt" or would sing our name in a strange rhymey made up song (casey-casey, bo-basey, banana-fana foe-fasey, me, mye, moe, masey, casey)...it sounds silly but just typing that song makes me miss my mom.  I could definitely keep going but the point is that she had so much fun being a mom and that button never switched off.  She took us everywhere, let us do cartwheels down the isles at the grocery store and spoiled us with love, affection and gifts and she has shaped me into the goofy, outgoing, care-free, compassionate and open-minded person that I am today.  My puppy already has the nickname "stinky butt" and I regularly call my mom for a recipe when I'm looking to impress JCH or a house guest.  I'm thankful for my mommy.

Small mention of my "3 crazy sisters"...but they have shaped me and for that I am thankful.  My older sister always having to play babysitter but still always maintaining the "cool older sister" role.  Every once in while she would allow me to tag along and boy would I learn something.  From watching her friends play "7 minutes in heaven" when I was 10 to sneaking me out to my first party when I was 15 (sorry mom) she always let me "watch and learn" which I think helped me make good decisions when it came my turn.  The other "middle sister" who is only 1 year younger was my best friend growing up (though I didn't know it at the time).  Her and I had some wild adventures as kids.  She was the "always available" friend (she couldn't help it-she was my sister).  From turning bath time into hurricanes for our barbies, to riding our bikes around town eating apples off trees and getting dirty in creeks.  We had a lot of "good old fashioned fun" and got ourselves into some serious pickles... and I distinctly remember feeling as though I was responsible for taking care of her.  The baby in our family is almost 10 years younger than me so we have a very dynamic relationship.  We didn't really grow up fighting over who got the front seat (in the car) or who got to play with the blond barbie.  I got to drive her to sleep-overs and teach her about make-up, boys and fashion.  It was so much fun to watch her transition into a young woman and to be an active part in her development.  I take pride in who my baby sister is today and feel a sense of accomplishment as though I had something to do with it.  I'm thankful for my sisters.

It was "love at first site" with my mother-in-law.  JCH is her only child and she was definitely attentive to his needs, convinced of his potential, proud of his accomplishments, interested by his friends and lifestyle, and committed to his growth and development.  100% of her was put into him (and still is).  She is the most supportive and caring mother and is the reason JCH is a very confident and successful man today.  Because of JCH I am lucky enough to have her in my life now too (and for those of you who know her...I know you agree).  Because JCH has cystic fibrosis (and because his parents are so attentive to him) they planned early on to help him with making a family one day.  I have them to thank for the glorious bun in my oven.  Without them we could only dream of financing what we have already gone through to get pregnant.  Money aside, my mother-in-law has treated me as her own from day one.  She is truly the most caring and giving person I have ever met.  She has been such an instrumental part of my life (and marriage) since I met her and I couldn't have asked for (or dreamed up) a better mother-in-law.  I am thankful for my mother-in-law.

I don't mean to discredit the men in my family as they have also shaped who I am, and are equally as fabulous.  My father made me a fighter and a dreamer and to believe that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.  My step-dad gave us a strong routine and structure and help shape me into a tidier person (I'm naturally kind of a slob).  My father-in-law is a man of few words but always has extraordinary advice and interesting stories.  His life experiences and kind heart allow for such a wonderful expression of knowledge and guidance.  His dry sense of humor that he passed onto JCH has to be one of my favorite things about both of them.  My wonderful husband.  I think most of y'all know by know that my heart couldn't beat without him.  We share every aspect of our lives together and I wouldn't have it any other way. I am thankful for my husband and I am thankful for the men in my life.

I'm also very thankful for my extended family, all of mine an JCH's aunts/uncles and cousins who have also helped shaped us.  AND my even more extended family-my friends.  I'm thankful for TS who inspired me to write this blog and who always inspires me to be a better person...and ML who has nurtered me emotionally through this whole process and has been a strong influence on the kind of person I strive to be...and AP who has held my hand and my heart this past year and helped keep me sane...and MF and KK for guiding me to living a more fullfilled life. There are so many of y'all (family, friends and readers) that I am thankful for that I could write a novel (I nearly have already) and I hope you know how blessed I feel that you are a part of our lives.

Without our families shaping us into who we are, both JCH and I wouldn't be the perfectly odd, ambitious, adventurous, committed, and happy couple that we are today.  I'm thankful for my family and thankful that both JCH and I have such a wonderful foundation to build our own happy family. 

Happy (belated) Thanksgiving (I started to write this yesterday-in light of my nostagia but my overwhelming tiredness took over and my afternoon and evening naps won that battle).

My sister posted this to fb today-what perfect timing!

What to Expect when You're Expecting

As I read, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” this weekend JCH kept asking, “well, do you know what to expect yet?” (very cheeky JCH). My answer, no.  Okay, maybe I know what to expect in very basic terms, but I’ve got more questions.  Questions that I would assume that any modern day woman would want to know, but those questions aren’t answered-not in the book anyway. 
Here are my questions:

• Is there a safe method to highlighting my hair during pregnancy? Do I have to wait until my second trimester? Is it the fumes I breathe in that are harmful or the chemicals that soak into my scalp?  I'm not above attempting the "lemon juice" method if it will prevent a "root attack".
• Can I get my nails painted? Again, are the fumes harmful? If it’s the fumes, can I wear a mask to help? My toes have been slightly neglected since losing both "big toe" nails due to apparently not knowing how to correctly kick a bouncy ball while playing intramural kickball this summer (that sounds even worse when I read it aloud).
• Is it safe to go out on our boat in my first trimester?  Or is it too bumpy? It’s safe to say that boating season will be over in January so I’d like to take advantage now.
• Are my stilettos safe? Most everyone I know says that they are (other than JCH he demands I wear flats) but what are the risks?
• Can I watch scary movies? This may sound like the silliest question, but scary movies get my adrenaline pumping and heartrate speeding like a crazy person.  Can that be safe for a developing embryo?   

Well, those are my “modern day woman” questions that haven’t been answered yet.  Maybe the book is saving that for later (I have only read up to 5 weeks). 

Other fun things to share….

I am 5 weeks pregnant (yesterday).  Our first ultrasound is set for December 1^st!!!! J EEEEEEEEEE!!!! We MAY (key word: "may") find out if there is more than one baby roasting in this oven on that day.  I will be almost 7 weeks by then so hopefully we will see a heartbeat (or two)!  My HcG levels were 301 on the day that I was 4 ½ weeks pregnant…not sure but that sounds high from what I’ve read (Is that a sign that there are multiples? Am I reading into it? Wishful hoping?).

Also, I’ve commissioned JCH to turn our office/gym into a YOGA room (that is after he completes the dining room table that he is building me).  We’ve got a small mounted TV and yoga mat in there- just absolutely no room to spread out.  We’ve got to get in there and rearrange and make room for my daily meditation, stretching and exercise (I’m already feeling the hips and saddlebags growing).  Anyone have a good recommendation on videos for prenatal yoga? 

What else is new...
I'm SUPER tired!  This "non napper" is officially a "napper" now.  I have always really disliked napping and now I find myself taking a nap whenever I can squeeze one in (I contemplated the kitchen table in the break room at work today-probably a good choice that I didn't).

NO MORE INJECTIONS! Yes, I celebrated!  Thursday was the last shot and boy was it one to remember!  (good visual here) JCH couldn't find a spot on my rear-end that didn't have a knot in it so he went with it...apparently my body had decided it had had enough and the fluid and blood starting spewing out of the injection site...JCH compared it to looking like a lava lamp.  Well no more of that.  My rear-end is slowly starting to heal but the nurse said she has seen some women come into to give birth and still have knots on their butt. YIKES! Let's hope not.

5 WEEKS-no visual difference-still fun though

The Anticipation

You all have met somebody who can’t just listen to your crazy, wonderful, hilarious, or traumatic story without telling you about their much crazier, more wonderful, even more hilarious, or more traumatic story than yours.  As I sit here and think about the wonderful rollercoaster we have been on so far I cant help but think, "I am constantly “one upping” myself"! When JCH and I got the amazing news that they found sperm, I cried and said that it was the happiest day of my life (I also said that on my wedding day).  Unless you have been faced with the horror of not knowing whether your husband will be the sperm donor for your children you could never imagine the orgasmic flood of emotions when you find out HE WILL.  BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!! (or so I said) Yesterday, I “one upped” myself.  It was the BEST DAY OF MY LIFE…and orgasmic doesn’t even begin to describe how amazing I feel! 

You probably guessed by now, we’re PREGNANT!!!  Yep, crying again.  I can’t even begin to describe how amazing it was to share our news over and over again…with my mom, mother-in-law, father-in-law (surprisingly emotional), sisters, and best friends (and now with y'all).  What a day!   It truly is unbelievable how lucky JCH and I have been through this whole process.  From finding out that I wasn’t a carrier of CF, finding out JCH had viable sperm, that we retrieved 14 eggs, got 10 embryos, implanted 2 embryos, and froze 3 embryos.  AND NOW WE ARE PREGNANT on the first cycle!  It’s hard for me to not think that KARMA has come back around.  All of those small kind, selfless, thoughtful, generous, do-gooder things that JCH and I have done in our lifetime have finally come back to award us the greatest gift of all-A BABY!

Over the past 2 weeks I've honestly felt "different".  Most people find out that they are pregnant well after I have...and dont get the opportunity to get excited with anticipation with every twitch or twinge in their belly and could probably never relate their constant thirstiness and "night peeing" to being pregnant...but I felt it...and I knew.

And now we wait...again.  What an exciting wait though!  How many babies will we be having?  Boy? Girl? Both?  This is an exciting wait!

1st "bump" picture :)

The TWO WEEK wait

Okay, it’s actually not that long but it might as well be TWO YEARS because I am just so dang anxious and excited to hear GOOD NEWS that this count down is killing me.   The first part of this cycle we were so busy…traveling to Florida, ultra sounds, blood work, twice daily injections, new instructions weekly, and now….we just wait (I suppose I shouldn't leave out that I'm still doing the horrible “phobia shots”).  

This weekend a very good (and wise) friend of mine was very helpful with “what to do with my time” when I was getting “cabin fever” thinking about what I should (but cant) be doing (primarily cleaning the house and yard work).  "Just a few things to get you started...sleep, clean out your dvr, acupuncture, knit baby clothes (I cant even finish a scarf yet), blog, pinterest, plan your DIY Christmas projects, crafts, and cook yummy meals to freeze (yes she is officially a “super woman” because I have no doubt that she did, in fact, do all of that).  I made it to “clean out my dvr”, “pinterest”, and “blog” (baby steps to "super woman" status).

I have to tell you, I am somewhat losing my mind (in addition to the whole “cabin fever” thing).  This past Friday JCH and I laid down for bed and carried on with our typical “pillow talk” when he reminded me of something that had happened earlier in the night that for some reason threw me into a LAUGHING FIT.  I will give myself some credit it was so funny that I cant even share the story (gasp, I know, I share everything).  When I say laughing fit I mean…long giggles from the diaphragm with huge gasps of air in between and laughing so hard strange sounds (including snorts) came out with tears bursting out of my eyes.  This lasted for almost 15 minutes (no lie) with no end in sight until I made a strong effort to stop (in fear of hurting my super embryos with my "bowl full of jelly" laughter)...trust me in any other circumstance I would have laughed all night...it was like a drug...it felt amazing!

So other than the laughing fit, I also have my little crying fits (which aren't nearly as news worthy).  Another strange thing that these hormones have brought on is BLUSHING/HOT FLASHES.  Every time I get excited my face turns bright red and I literally start sweating...the redness lasts for about a minute but the sweating lasts for almost 10.  This has happened several times and makes me feel so awkward.  JCH and I ran into a girlfriend shopping on Sunday and I got excited to see her (it's been a while) and here comes the BLUSH...same thing goes for today at work when some friends stopped by...and at the grocery store when I ran into a friends little sister, and even at home with JCH just talking about FOOD and where we were going for dinner.  Not sure if my hormones cause a surge in blood flow or maybe I am actually blushing because I'm subconsciously feeling vulnerable...but it's so strange.  Oh and one last thing...I have been peeing like a crazy girl...I asked JCH to pick me up a "night light" because of my frequent "night pees" (I have NEVER been a night pee-er). 

So that's pretty much it with the freaky hormone stuff (I'm sure I'm speaking too soon and there will be more).

AND...now....we wait! Is it wrong to want to stop at the pharmacy and pick up some "at home pregnancy tests" and maybe take one on Friday? Maybe we can all vote on that...???

Who doesn't love BABIES and LAUGHING?? Check it out!

Feeling Good

Wednesday we drove down to JAX and went in early Thursday morning for the embryo transfer.  Out of the 10 embryos that Winslow initially was watching, they transferred TWO (and are likely freezing at least 4).  The procedure lasted about 30 minutes and than they left me laying partially upside down on a wedge and tilted bed for another 30 minutes (not nearly as fun as it sounds).  JCH and I joked about the whole upside down thing before hand…and it’s no myth…they actually do that!

The WEDGE, my gown, cap and slippers



ME nearly totally upside down

After my 30 minutes upside down I was sent home, confined to bed rest (awesome), and was ordered to elevate my hips with at least two pillows for the remainder of the day (not so awesome).  JCH was a wonderful doting husband all day yesterday, making sure to read my post-op instructions word for word, and ensuring that it wasn’t necessary for me to even lift a finger.  I told him that the nurse said my mild nausea was most likely from being slightly “hyper stimulated” but that Gatorade and V-8 juice would help.  While I napped at the hotel, JCH filled the entire back of the SUV with Gatorade and V-8 Splash from the store across the street.  I giggle and think its super “cute” because I see him caring for me in a way that shows what a remarkable daddy he will be.  I love him.

I woke up feeling great today!  I slowly nose-dived into a sleepy state with mild cramping in the afternoon.  Not sure if it’s because it’s Friday or if it’s symptoms of my little embryos working hard to implant (take all the energy you need super embryos).  In tradition of my typical mentality I have also been giving my little embryos pep talks throughout the day!  You would be embarrassed for me if I told you what I said…but just as JCH testes got a pep talk…these “little guys” are too!

Ooooo…I almost forgot to mention the CRAZY FOOT CRAMPS!  The doctor didn’t have an explanation, and I am eating really well sooo I can’t really explain it, but I have been having FREQUENT foot cramps…and I’m talking 5-minute long, ugly face-making, silent-grunting foot cramps.  So bad that JCH fears that I'll get another one...lol.  JCH has been massaging my feet to hopefully prevent more from happening...here is hoping...

Well…BEST FOR LAST…drum roll please….

The pregnancy test has been set and ordered for Monday, November 14^th at 8am!!!  Sadly, the blood work will be sent off to Florida and we won’t know the results until later in the day.  I think I’m going to ask that Patty conference call both of us so that we can find out together...I would rather us be together when we find out…but at the very least both on the call.  I guess nothing has been “normal” this whole time…why start now!

"Phobia Shots"

My sweaty palms are back! (but we’ll get to that part later)

Yesterday Winslow called to let me know we currently have 10 embryos (YES 10!) and that he would like to let them incubate a few more days.  This means our “transfer” aka “implantation day" will be this THURSDAY!  He said they will plan to transfer TWO embryos to increase the chance of pregnancy which in turn will also increase the chance of multiple babies (twins!).  Once again, those of you who already have kids will think I am legally insane when I say this but “I kinda want twins”!

Okay, onto the sweaty palms…

Last night was the first night of the… let’s just called them “PHOBIA SHOTS” (you’ll see why later)!  The “phobia shots” will continue once daily for the next 12 weeks (yes, unbelievable), are with a much larger needle than the previous shots…oh and they are a super thick “cotton seed oil and progesterone" mixture!  Last night as JCH and I were reading over the new “injection instructions” I literally started to cry.  I know it had to have been partially because of the hormones, probably a lot to do with my fear of needles but I think the majority of the tears came from being sick of shots and knowing I’m going to be doing this for a lot longer than just a few weeks! After having my little “cry baby” fit, a wave of nausea hit me, followed by dizziness and the immediate need to sit down before I passed out.  From now on I will call this “Casey’s stages of FEAR”.  Joking around with a coworker about it this morning I got curious about the actual physical symptoms of fear and came across this:

The symptoms of blood-injection-injury phobia are slightly different from other phobias.   Like other phobias, you initially feel anxious as your heart speeds up. However, unlike other phobias, this acceleration is followed by a quick drop in blood pressure, which leads to nausea, dizziness, and fainting. Although a fear of fainting is common in all specific phobias, blood-injection-injury phobia is the only phobia where fainting can actually occur.

Anyway, now that you know all about “blood injection injury phobia” (LOL) we can get back to my story!  When speaking about being tortured, I can actually say that JCH did a great job (he’s very steady and confident-which helps me feel a little better).  These shots are the first to actually make me jump when he pokes me (yeah it hurt)!  The injection site is a little sore today and we'll have to switch to the other “love handle” tonight!  In the case of hormone injections it pays to have a little “spare tire” to have more space to choose from for injection sites.  Too bad I didn’t bulk up my diet to help with that!

I said “the sweaty palms are back”…but it seems it was much more than that this time!  I know it comes off as though all I've done is complain...I'm just feeling like a baby lately...I'm ready to be happy glowing preggo lady with a baby on the way (or two). :)

Wish me luck tonight! Countdown to Thursday!

This is what I look like!

  





Sleep, Sleep and More Sleep

Guess what I've been doing for the past 34 hours? Yep, you guessed it, sleeping! Which is why I am just now updating y'all...sorry for those (of my few but precious readers) that I have left waiting in suspense.

Yesterday I woke up feeling terrible.  My ovaries were so swollen that they were making me extremely uncomfortable.  It was almost as if all of my eggs grew 100 times their size overnight!  Thank goodness that I was on my way to the hospital for them to relieve some of that fullness by extacting my eggs... because "extremely uncomfortable" quickly turned to "can barely walk, laugh, or move without pain".  When I got to the hospital at 8am they quickly took me back to prep me for the procedure.  There was a woman on the other side of the curtain who was in front of me for the same thing so I got to listen to all of the instructions twice.  Another thing I got to listen to was her coming out of the operating room completely looped out of her mind on anesthesia...which was pretty hilarious.  My mind drifted as to how crazy I might act coming out of there and what might slip out of my mouth...if only I had asked them to record it...because sadly I dont remember a thing.   The procedure went great and they got 14 eggs!!! When I asked the doctor if that was a good number he told me that they "hope for" anywhere between 10 and 15....so that was great!

They put me in a wheelchair and brought me downstairs to the car where JCH was waiting for me.  Patty was luckily there this weekend (they alternate) so she wheeled me down, helped me up, gave me a huge hug, and wished us a safe journey home to Charleston.  Remind me to get her a nice thank you gift.

I made a little palet in the backseat of the EDGE and slept the entire way home...ate some food when we got home...took my meds....and than slept the entire day/night away.  Yesterday after the procedure my fullness went away and was replaced by cramping and strange jolts of pain.  Today the fullness is back (which they said most likely the fluid would build back up) and I've got a little cramping and you guessed it, I've slept most of the day.  They said today would be a little rough but that tomorrow I should be feeling 85% better! Tomorrow I will also get a call from Dr. Winslow telling us how the embryos are looking and what day the transfer will be!

Today was our "conception day"!  How cool is that? They fertilized my eggs with JCH's sperm in the lab today!  JCH and I celebrated our conception day at iHop because I had a ridiculous craving for all things BREAKFAST! We toasted over pancakes and 70+ year old couples...very romantic!  Tomorrow we start up a new round of shots (that will continue 12+ weeks)...not really looking forward to that.  This progesterone in cottonseed oil is much thicker so it requires a thicker needle, and cannot be injected into a blood vessel.  The way you test that the needle is not in a blood vessel is by poking the needle and pulling back on the syringe and if blood shows in the syringe or not.  Much more complicated than the pinch, poke and inject that we've BEEN doing with a much smaller needle.  UGH!

Well, I guess I will have more news to share tomorrow!!! We have had such wonderful news throughout this whole process I'm still just holding my breathe in disbelief that we are this lucky.  Please pray, send energy, or whatever it is you believe will bring us good news over the next few weeks!  I'm so happy right now I could fly! :)

JCH snapped a pic of Teddy Roosevelt taking advantage of the permanent fixture on our couch yesterday-ME

It's Indescribable

Today was JCH's sperm retrieval.  They were set to attempt two different procedures in order to retrieve viable sperm.  MESA (which is a less invasive procedure which includes a small needle in the testes to extract the sperm) or TESE (which is a more invasive procedure that involves an incision in the testes and a biopsy to extract sperm).  They SUCCEEDED in extracting sperm by only needing to perform the less invasive procedure! YES, you READ that right...THEY GOT SPERM!!!!!!  They initially told us we would have to wait to find out until tomorrow but because they got such a good sample they were confident they had viable sperm today!!!!

I honestly sat here and stared at the computer screen for several minutes not even sure how to express my happiness!!!! It's indescribable! Indescribable joy is the perfect description!! Is that an oxymoron?  This morning while getting ready to head to the hospital, I gave JCH's testes a little pep talk...I think they needed a little encouragement and it worked!!!  JCH said he has had several omens over the past few days...good omens.  That sufficed as my pep talk!

JCH is feeling good (no pain at present moment) and catching up on some serious sleep today!!! I told him that this is HIS day...any type of spoiling I can do for him...all he needs to do is ask!  Hopefully he'll take my lead on the "royal treatment" when the roles are reversed!  He will potentially have 9 months to practice giving the "royal treatment"...hee hee! :)

I'll try to update y'all tomorrow once I know more about my eggs...but I may be out like sleeping beauty below...



JCH sleeping like a baby at our hotel while I catch up on R&R and daytime TV





At the hospital in the recovery room after I jumped up and down with excitement of the wonderful news and than cried, and than pretty much went looney with excitement



Guess Where We Are?

Yep, WE are in Jacksonville! I have driven down here so many times in the past two weeks that I feel like I could do it while texting, eating, maybe even blogging (but I wont).  Wednesday I came down (for the second time this week) and had my last follicle monitoring and estradiols.  My follicles (not sure when I can call them eggs) have grown to what Dr. Winslow had hoped and he was comfortable with moving forward.  My estrogen levels were slightly elevated so he put me on a THIRD set of shots (lupron) that I started today, and than tomorrow will begin my fourth type, my "trigger shots"!

Guess what else is tomorrow?  JCH's sperm retrieval! WHOA! Sorry to spring that one on ya! I've cut my lunches short, worked longer hours, have traveled over 400 miles almost every day this week and just haven't had a moment (that I wasn't yearning for sleep and/or apparently driving) to sit down and catch y'all up!  So yep, we're back down here in Jacksonville TOGETHER and sperm retrieval is tomorrow and egg retrieval is Saturday! EEEEEEEEEE!!!! JCH checks in at 8am tomorrow, procedure is at 9am, he'll be done by 10am and out of recovery by 11am.  We wont know whether they were able to get "viable sperm" until Saturday morning after the sperm incubate over night.  In all of this, this is what scares me (not sure if that's the right word) the most.  I know that whatever way that JCH and I have a child together we will love it the same so please dont get me wrong when I express how much I want their to be viable sperm.  Let me see if I can explain.  I'm sure most of you admire your spouses or significant others the way that I do (if you could say you are obsessed, than you do) but I honestly want so badly to watch my child grow up and be JUST LIKE JCH!  He is so smart, and brave, and kind and honestly I dont know a better man and could probably not even imagine one up!  So you can see, we would be doing the world a favor to have another one of him (hee hee only kidding).  You get my point though, I love JCH and I want his little spawn. 

I'll try to get some pictures...how cool would that be to introduce y'all to Dr. Winslow and Patty and the awesome girls who do my blood work and check me in when I'm here?  So many emotions as we go into tomorrow! I will update y'all on how JCH is doing after his procedure tomorrow and hopefully I will be lucid enough to update y'all on Saturday with GOOD news! :) Happy (almost) Friday! GO TEXAS RANGERS!

Something New, Something Blue, Something Old, Something Borrowed

Let's see if my fingers can keep up with how fast my brain is going right now...

Sunday, I woke up at 2:30am drove down to Jacksonville, waited about 10 minutes for my 15 minute appointment and was back on the road to Charleston and home by noon. What a morning!  As I sat in the lobby with all of the other women waiting on an early Sunday morning to get blood work and have our follicles measured I wondered about their “stories”.  In the 10 minutes I waited in the lobby I pondered over about 10 different women...some with their moms (obviously pretty young), some with their “men”, and some all by their lonesome just like me!  I never realized how difficult it is to get pregnant! So many people are being affected by infertility and it’s not just the stereotypical “older women” who waited “too long” to try to have babies.  As I sat in the lobby I felt connected to them, I wanted to just start talking to each of them as if they were old friends.  One girl spoke to the receptionist briefly asking whether it would be okay to give herself her shot before her appointment, and than preceded into the restroom, dropped her pants, and was back out in the lobby within minutes.  SO BRAVE.  I’m just getting used to someone giving me the shots, and last night even faced my shot without icing it first (we all have different levels of bravery). 

Something new—there is a new doctor in town (not really)!  JCH was late getting home last night and my friend-AP-was over to pick me up to go make dinner for our “new parent” friends and I needed my shot before I left.  AP is a ROCKSTAR—she just stepped up and gave me the shot (like a pro)!!!  I’m still a little amazed that she faced that task with such bravery and ease!  I definitely surround myself with amazing women! Speaking of amazing women in my life—I got slightly emotional this morning as I looked over birthday cards from ALL OF THE WOMEN in my life—you ladies know who you are and make me feel like such a lucky girl to have you!

Something blue—yep my stomach is still pretty bruised from the first couple of shots!  The good news is that JCH is a pro now too and I’m not even bruising anymore (sorry no polka-dot picture to share).  My stomach is getting pretty hard from all of the injections—not sure if that is normal (I’ll have to ask at my next appointment) but when I bend over I feel like I literally have a “spare tire” around my waist.   GROSS.

Something old—this trip down to Jacksonville.  Sorry to gripe but 8 hours of driving 3 times a week (yep that’s how many times I’ll be driving there this week) is getting old FAST.  I need a car charger for my iPhone, some new Pandora radio station suggestions, and a lot more itunes downloads!  I’m driving down tonight straight from work, staying in a hotel, going to an early appointment and driving back and straight back to work Wednesday afternoon (I have very few sick days to spare).

Something borrowed—do you have a few hours in your day to spare?  Maybe a few hours of sick time at work? I know, could you spare a few brain cells?  Brain cells are apparently a "hot commodity" in our house lately (not always--but lately) .  We have been storing all of my hormones in the refrigerator because when they were shipped they were in a cooler with ice packs.  Come to find out (on Sunday) it’s actually not necessary to store them in the refrigerator and you are actually supposed to keep them at room temperature.  Neither of us even thought twice about refrigerating them.  The good news is that the fridge won’t cause any harm to the hormones.  The bad news, I know some of you are second guessing our ability to be parents.  LOL (yeah at least we’re good at laughing AT ourselves).  The miscellaneous related news--I think the hormone concoction was hurting worse when it was cold because since taking them out of the fridge they have been more mild.

So anyway, I’m driving down tonight for my LAST follicle monitoring and blood work appointment tomorrow morning.  They are predicting we will be back this Friday/Saturday or Saturday/Sunday for egg and sperm retrieval (yes a couple days earlier than predicted) and than next week will be “transfer” AKA “implantation”.  They typically do the transfer either 3 days or 5 days from egg retrieval…sooo possible dates are:  November 1st- November 4^th! I’m slightly stressed out about November 2^nd because I’ve got a HUGE ongoing project at work and we have a BIG meeting that morning that I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT MISS!!!!  Keep your fingers crossed for me!  



BABY COLLAGE at Florida Institute for Reproductive Medicine (F.I.R.M.)--this covers an entire wall--8,000 babies and counting!





Pants on the ground

Just a QUICK (and exciting) update!

I had my second “follicle monitoring” and “estradiols” today.  Everything went so smoothly.  Blood lady was different and ONE THOUSAND times better! Quick! Easy! Painless!  I got a call this afternoon from Winslow in Jacksonville and they are amazed at how quickly my body is responding to the hormones.  Not only do they want me to start the second stimulating hormone tonight it looks like we might be pushing up some dates!

My final follicle monitoring has been pushed up from NEXT Friday to THIS Sunday and than on Sunday we will know more about the new timeline.  We very well could be doing the egg and sperm retrieval next week instead of on Halloween! 

I just wanted to update y’all! My heart is racing as I am typing this because I’m getting so excited!  Last night JCH chased me around the house with the needle because I forgot to numb a spot on my stomach for the injection.  I wasn’t going to let him poke me until I was ready and even though the ice may be a physical thing it helps me mentally prepare myself.  JCH is enjoying this way too much!  Wish me luck tonight on the new hormone injection that will go in my thigh! OUCH!

My Big Girl Panties

This week I'm somewhere between a 1950's housewife and a TRAINWRECK.  JCH is on a mandatory 64 hour work week (indefinitely) and I'm so busy at work that I'm stuck doing ALL of those "house manager" chores (pay bills online, check email, scan over the news, buy birthday presents, make holiday plans, etc.) once I get home rather than squeezing them into my 10-minute breaks at work.  PLUS I'm doing all of the cooking and cleaning at home, in order for JCH to get SOME R&R with the little bit of down time he has.  Between him working 12 hour days and two hours of breathing treatments each day, he doesn't get much "JCH TIME" lately.  1950's housewife...only I'm working 40 hours outside of the house too!

Anyway, back to "where do babies come from"...

I had my VERY FIRST “estradiol” labs (blood work) and follicle monitoring (ultrasound) Tuesday morning!  This was to determine my “BASELINE”.  They were measuring my follicles (hopeful eggs) and hormones levels (with my blood) to determine what the next steps are (dosage of hormones, timing of appointment, etc).  Ultrasound went perfectly and once again I was complimented on my beautiful uterus and healthy ovaries (remember this is my local OB-GYN doing the monitoring).  Patty (IVF Nurse Coordinator) called later to confirm that Dr. Winslow also thought that everything looked perfect.  Blood work on the other hand-went awful!  My arm was LiT-RuH-LEE murdered! The nurse apparently “missed or went right-thru my vein” (her words--she wasn't even sure what she was doing wrong).  She poked the needle in a little further and than pulls it out just a bit to see if she can get the blood to flow…no such luck!  By the time she decided she would need to try it again with a new needle I was sweating and looking around to find somewhere to puke.  She got a new (smaller) needle…and did the exact same thing!  Pretty rough, and I've got the bruised arm to prove it! Only 4-5 more times (with that nurse)...hopefully she'll do better on Friday!

Speaking of needles, Tuesday night was the first hormone injection and may I just say "EASY BREEZY"!  JCH was so calm and focused and I honestly didn't even feel the needle.  The ice cube numbing trick definitely worked and the needle was teeny tiny (I must have been wearing my "big girl panties"). The medicine (hormone concoction) felt a little uncomfortable for just a minute and today the injection site is slightly sore but nothing compared to my poor bruised arm.  We will be doing this hormone injection EVERY NIGHT at the same time for the next few days until I have another “estradiols” and “follicle monitoring” appointment on Friday.  Once the doctor gets the update on how my body is responding to the hormone injections I will get my next round of instructions.  My stomache (where I'm getting the injections) has two little bruises...I'll take a picture at the end of the week when I'm "polka-dot" all over.

A good friend of mine had a baby girl on Monday and last night I took a 30 minute time-out to run over and meet the little angel.  She stopped my heart and took my breathe away and I wanted to cry she was so beautiful.  Just a wonderful reminder of how worth it all of this will be!  FACT:  I would face that "not so talented" blood-taking nurse on a daily basis just to have the chance of my own little miracle.

I promise to get more sleep tonight so that my next post I will be sounding more like my old self again.  All in all...we are doing really good...are in good spirits...and are getting really excited!

My "Double Rainbow"

Where to even begin?  What an amazing weekend!  My mother-in-law was in town from Texas from Wednesday through today and boy did we stay busy!  JCH had to work on Sunday so my mother-in-law and I ran around town until JCH was ready for our 4 hour road trip to Jacksonville, Florida.

The trip (on Sunday) started off with a minor lapse in memory to START MY DOXYCYCLINE (prescribed to proactively prevent infections after the trial transfer) on Saturday morning (1 day late) and of course I didn’t bring it either (now 2 days late).  When we met with Patty (the IVF Nurse Coordinator that I fell in love with over the phone) she joked with us that we are her “problem children” after learning that I forgot my DOXYCYCLINE and JCH almost left our information packet (pretty much our IVF BIBLE) in the exam room (I think he maybe was a little nervous and/or preoccupied-lol).  As I laugh about these little “oopsies” of ours, it’s crazy to think that we are hoping to be parents since it’s painfully obvious that WE might still need someone to “parent” US.  Do you have children? Do you ever feel like that?

Patty spent over an hour going down a check list (a lady after my own heart) of information from anesthesia to sperm donors and (my favorite part) injection training.  JCH really enjoyed injection training.  I didn’t.  Against my better judgment we have decided that JCH will administer my shots (1 hormone shot will go in the belly and the other in the side of the thigh-“the saddlebag”).  The needles are pretty small and Patty gave what seemed to be a wonderful tip of “putting an ice cube on the skin for a few minutes prior to injection”.  You know I’m a huge whiney-baby so rest-assured that I will let you know how that goes.

After meeting with Patty we went into the exam room so that Dr. Winslow could perform the “trial transfer” himself (since Slowey indicated a difficult path due to my introverted uterus).  While the previous doctor spent somewhere between 30 and 45 minutes wrestling with my insides, Dr. Winslow literally completed the entire thing in less than 1 minute and with absolutely no pain!!!  (Read post “OUCH! OUIY! and OH!” for a painful reminder of the first trial transfer).

As you can see, I’M SOLD!!!! I absolutely love this place!  I’m back to being excited about this whole process and 100% comfortable that I am getting the treatment and care that I deserve (and that we are paying for).

Quick timeline rundown:  Last month the dates were “all about” my period and when I would get it.  This month the dates are “all about” my eggs!  I begin “stimulating meds” (hormone injections- Bravel and Menapur) next Tuesday, October 18^th.  A quick note that I have left out— Winslow is working closely with my OB-GYN here in Charleston so that I can do my TWICE-WEEKLY blood work and ultrasounds for follicle monitoring here in Charleston and not have to drive down to Jacksonville. I will go in for follicle monitoring and blood work 10/18, 10-21, 10-24, 10-27 and than will head back down to Jacksonville for one last monitoring on 10-29.  Winslow has decided that JCH and I will have different “retrieval days”.  JCH’s sperm retrieval will be on Monday, October 31^st, and my egg retrieval will be on Tuesday, November 1^st….leaving IMPLANTATION DAY to hopefully be on November 7^th.  You can start the countdown (or at least tentatively)!