Giving Thanks

Now that we are pregnant I cant help but think about what kind of parents JCH and I will be and it makes me nostalgic about my childhood and how I was raised.  Nostalgia sets in strong Thanksgiving morning.  Even though I'm not waking up to my mom baking with the parade in the background and me and my 3 crazy sisters running around in our pj's and fighting for the bathroom I still had an irresistible urge to repeat history and follow traditions.  So yesterday when I woke up I tuned into the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade and started to make JCH and I breakfast.  As I cooked I reflected over the past few months and cried (hormones) in disbelief at how lucky we've been and was overwhelmed with the many things we have to be thankful for (yes I'm about to get sappy).

As with each year I am thankful for the wonderful people I call family.  JCH and I have started working on this creative writing exercise where we write down "My mom always..." and "My mom never..." (and also dad) and then we talk about what we had written down and decide together how that has shaped us and why we would like to be that way (or not) for our children.  Among the many ways I hope to be like my mom there are some unique traits that I feel compelled to share.  My mother always let us play and get dirty, just like kids should.  My mom always cooked "from scratch meals" and tried very hard to interest us in cooking with her (making it a family event).  My mom gave us freedom to make our own decisions (but a solid foundation that she could trust we wouldn't let her down).  My mom always tickled our feet to wake us up in the morning (yes it drove me crazy) with the smell and promise of a delicious breakfast (totally made up for it).  My mom pinched our cheeks and called us "stinky butt" or would sing our name in a strange rhymey made up song (casey-casey, bo-basey, banana-fana foe-fasey, me, mye, moe, masey, casey)...it sounds silly but just typing that song makes me miss my mom.  I could definitely keep going but the point is that she had so much fun being a mom and that button never switched off.  She took us everywhere, let us do cartwheels down the isles at the grocery store and spoiled us with love, affection and gifts and she has shaped me into the goofy, outgoing, care-free, compassionate and open-minded person that I am today.  My puppy already has the nickname "stinky butt" and I regularly call my mom for a recipe when I'm looking to impress JCH or a house guest.  I'm thankful for my mommy.

Small mention of my "3 crazy sisters"...but they have shaped me and for that I am thankful.  My older sister always having to play babysitter but still always maintaining the "cool older sister" role.  Every once in while she would allow me to tag along and boy would I learn something.  From watching her friends play "7 minutes in heaven" when I was 10 to sneaking me out to my first party when I was 15 (sorry mom) she always let me "watch and learn" which I think helped me make good decisions when it came my turn.  The other "middle sister" who is only 1 year younger was my best friend growing up (though I didn't know it at the time).  Her and I had some wild adventures as kids.  She was the "always available" friend (she couldn't help it-she was my sister).  From turning bath time into hurricanes for our barbies, to riding our bikes around town eating apples off trees and getting dirty in creeks.  We had a lot of "good old fashioned fun" and got ourselves into some serious pickles... and I distinctly remember feeling as though I was responsible for taking care of her.  The baby in our family is almost 10 years younger than me so we have a very dynamic relationship.  We didn't really grow up fighting over who got the front seat (in the car) or who got to play with the blond barbie.  I got to drive her to sleep-overs and teach her about make-up, boys and fashion.  It was so much fun to watch her transition into a young woman and to be an active part in her development.  I take pride in who my baby sister is today and feel a sense of accomplishment as though I had something to do with it.  I'm thankful for my sisters.

It was "love at first site" with my mother-in-law.  JCH is her only child and she was definitely attentive to his needs, convinced of his potential, proud of his accomplishments, interested by his friends and lifestyle, and committed to his growth and development.  100% of her was put into him (and still is).  She is the most supportive and caring mother and is the reason JCH is a very confident and successful man today.  Because of JCH I am lucky enough to have her in my life now too (and for those of you who know her...I know you agree).  Because JCH has cystic fibrosis (and because his parents are so attentive to him) they planned early on to help him with making a family one day.  I have them to thank for the glorious bun in my oven.  Without them we could only dream of financing what we have already gone through to get pregnant.  Money aside, my mother-in-law has treated me as her own from day one.  She is truly the most caring and giving person I have ever met.  She has been such an instrumental part of my life (and marriage) since I met her and I couldn't have asked for (or dreamed up) a better mother-in-law.  I am thankful for my mother-in-law.

I don't mean to discredit the men in my family as they have also shaped who I am, and are equally as fabulous.  My father made me a fighter and a dreamer and to believe that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.  My step-dad gave us a strong routine and structure and help shape me into a tidier person (I'm naturally kind of a slob).  My father-in-law is a man of few words but always has extraordinary advice and interesting stories.  His life experiences and kind heart allow for such a wonderful expression of knowledge and guidance.  His dry sense of humor that he passed onto JCH has to be one of my favorite things about both of them.  My wonderful husband.  I think most of y'all know by know that my heart couldn't beat without him.  We share every aspect of our lives together and I wouldn't have it any other way. I am thankful for my husband and I am thankful for the men in my life.

I'm also very thankful for my extended family, all of mine an JCH's aunts/uncles and cousins who have also helped shaped us.  AND my even more extended family-my friends.  I'm thankful for TS who inspired me to write this blog and who always inspires me to be a better person...and ML who has nurtered me emotionally through this whole process and has been a strong influence on the kind of person I strive to be...and AP who has held my hand and my heart this past year and helped keep me sane...and MF and KK for guiding me to living a more fullfilled life. There are so many of y'all (family, friends and readers) that I am thankful for that I could write a novel (I nearly have already) and I hope you know how blessed I feel that you are a part of our lives.

Without our families shaping us into who we are, both JCH and I wouldn't be the perfectly odd, ambitious, adventurous, committed, and happy couple that we are today.  I'm thankful for my family and thankful that both JCH and I have such a wonderful foundation to build our own happy family. 

Happy (belated) Thanksgiving (I started to write this yesterday-in light of my nostagia but my overwhelming tiredness took over and my afternoon and evening naps won that battle).

My sister posted this to fb today-what perfect timing!

What to Expect when You're Expecting

As I read, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” this weekend JCH kept asking, “well, do you know what to expect yet?” (very cheeky JCH). My answer, no.  Okay, maybe I know what to expect in very basic terms, but I’ve got more questions.  Questions that I would assume that any modern day woman would want to know, but those questions aren’t answered-not in the book anyway. 
Here are my questions:

• Is there a safe method to highlighting my hair during pregnancy? Do I have to wait until my second trimester? Is it the fumes I breathe in that are harmful or the chemicals that soak into my scalp?  I'm not above attempting the "lemon juice" method if it will prevent a "root attack".
• Can I get my nails painted? Again, are the fumes harmful? If it’s the fumes, can I wear a mask to help? My toes have been slightly neglected since losing both "big toe" nails due to apparently not knowing how to correctly kick a bouncy ball while playing intramural kickball this summer (that sounds even worse when I read it aloud).
• Is it safe to go out on our boat in my first trimester?  Or is it too bumpy? It’s safe to say that boating season will be over in January so I’d like to take advantage now.
• Are my stilettos safe? Most everyone I know says that they are (other than JCH he demands I wear flats) but what are the risks?
• Can I watch scary movies? This may sound like the silliest question, but scary movies get my adrenaline pumping and heartrate speeding like a crazy person.  Can that be safe for a developing embryo?   

Well, those are my “modern day woman” questions that haven’t been answered yet.  Maybe the book is saving that for later (I have only read up to 5 weeks). 

Other fun things to share….

I am 5 weeks pregnant (yesterday).  Our first ultrasound is set for December 1^st!!!! J EEEEEEEEEE!!!! We MAY (key word: "may") find out if there is more than one baby roasting in this oven on that day.  I will be almost 7 weeks by then so hopefully we will see a heartbeat (or two)!  My HcG levels were 301 on the day that I was 4 ½ weeks pregnant…not sure but that sounds high from what I’ve read (Is that a sign that there are multiples? Am I reading into it? Wishful hoping?).

Also, I’ve commissioned JCH to turn our office/gym into a YOGA room (that is after he completes the dining room table that he is building me).  We’ve got a small mounted TV and yoga mat in there- just absolutely no room to spread out.  We’ve got to get in there and rearrange and make room for my daily meditation, stretching and exercise (I’m already feeling the hips and saddlebags growing).  Anyone have a good recommendation on videos for prenatal yoga? 

What else is new...
I'm SUPER tired!  This "non napper" is officially a "napper" now.  I have always really disliked napping and now I find myself taking a nap whenever I can squeeze one in (I contemplated the kitchen table in the break room at work today-probably a good choice that I didn't).

NO MORE INJECTIONS! Yes, I celebrated!  Thursday was the last shot and boy was it one to remember!  (good visual here) JCH couldn't find a spot on my rear-end that didn't have a knot in it so he went with it...apparently my body had decided it had had enough and the fluid and blood starting spewing out of the injection site...JCH compared it to looking like a lava lamp.  Well no more of that.  My rear-end is slowly starting to heal but the nurse said she has seen some women come into to give birth and still have knots on their butt. YIKES! Let's hope not.

5 WEEKS-no visual difference-still fun though

The Anticipation

You all have met somebody who can’t just listen to your crazy, wonderful, hilarious, or traumatic story without telling you about their much crazier, more wonderful, even more hilarious, or more traumatic story than yours.  As I sit here and think about the wonderful rollercoaster we have been on so far I cant help but think, "I am constantly “one upping” myself"! When JCH and I got the amazing news that they found sperm, I cried and said that it was the happiest day of my life (I also said that on my wedding day).  Unless you have been faced with the horror of not knowing whether your husband will be the sperm donor for your children you could never imagine the orgasmic flood of emotions when you find out HE WILL.  BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!! (or so I said) Yesterday, I “one upped” myself.  It was the BEST DAY OF MY LIFE…and orgasmic doesn’t even begin to describe how amazing I feel! 

You probably guessed by now, we’re PREGNANT!!!  Yep, crying again.  I can’t even begin to describe how amazing it was to share our news over and over again…with my mom, mother-in-law, father-in-law (surprisingly emotional), sisters, and best friends (and now with y'all).  What a day!   It truly is unbelievable how lucky JCH and I have been through this whole process.  From finding out that I wasn’t a carrier of CF, finding out JCH had viable sperm, that we retrieved 14 eggs, got 10 embryos, implanted 2 embryos, and froze 3 embryos.  AND NOW WE ARE PREGNANT on the first cycle!  It’s hard for me to not think that KARMA has come back around.  All of those small kind, selfless, thoughtful, generous, do-gooder things that JCH and I have done in our lifetime have finally come back to award us the greatest gift of all-A BABY!

Over the past 2 weeks I've honestly felt "different".  Most people find out that they are pregnant well after I have...and dont get the opportunity to get excited with anticipation with every twitch or twinge in their belly and could probably never relate their constant thirstiness and "night peeing" to being pregnant...but I felt it...and I knew.

And now we wait...again.  What an exciting wait though!  How many babies will we be having?  Boy? Girl? Both?  This is an exciting wait!

1st "bump" picture :)

The TWO WEEK wait

Okay, it’s actually not that long but it might as well be TWO YEARS because I am just so dang anxious and excited to hear GOOD NEWS that this count down is killing me.   The first part of this cycle we were so busy…traveling to Florida, ultra sounds, blood work, twice daily injections, new instructions weekly, and now….we just wait (I suppose I shouldn't leave out that I'm still doing the horrible “phobia shots”).  

This weekend a very good (and wise) friend of mine was very helpful with “what to do with my time” when I was getting “cabin fever” thinking about what I should (but cant) be doing (primarily cleaning the house and yard work).  "Just a few things to get you started...sleep, clean out your dvr, acupuncture, knit baby clothes (I cant even finish a scarf yet), blog, pinterest, plan your DIY Christmas projects, crafts, and cook yummy meals to freeze (yes she is officially a “super woman” because I have no doubt that she did, in fact, do all of that).  I made it to “clean out my dvr”, “pinterest”, and “blog” (baby steps to "super woman" status).

I have to tell you, I am somewhat losing my mind (in addition to the whole “cabin fever” thing).  This past Friday JCH and I laid down for bed and carried on with our typical “pillow talk” when he reminded me of something that had happened earlier in the night that for some reason threw me into a LAUGHING FIT.  I will give myself some credit it was so funny that I cant even share the story (gasp, I know, I share everything).  When I say laughing fit I mean…long giggles from the diaphragm with huge gasps of air in between and laughing so hard strange sounds (including snorts) came out with tears bursting out of my eyes.  This lasted for almost 15 minutes (no lie) with no end in sight until I made a strong effort to stop (in fear of hurting my super embryos with my "bowl full of jelly" laughter)...trust me in any other circumstance I would have laughed all night...it was like a drug...it felt amazing!

So other than the laughing fit, I also have my little crying fits (which aren't nearly as news worthy).  Another strange thing that these hormones have brought on is BLUSHING/HOT FLASHES.  Every time I get excited my face turns bright red and I literally start sweating...the redness lasts for about a minute but the sweating lasts for almost 10.  This has happened several times and makes me feel so awkward.  JCH and I ran into a girlfriend shopping on Sunday and I got excited to see her (it's been a while) and here comes the BLUSH...same thing goes for today at work when some friends stopped by...and at the grocery store when I ran into a friends little sister, and even at home with JCH just talking about FOOD and where we were going for dinner.  Not sure if my hormones cause a surge in blood flow or maybe I am actually blushing because I'm subconsciously feeling vulnerable...but it's so strange.  Oh and one last thing...I have been peeing like a crazy girl...I asked JCH to pick me up a "night light" because of my frequent "night pees" (I have NEVER been a night pee-er). 

So that's pretty much it with the freaky hormone stuff (I'm sure I'm speaking too soon and there will be more).

AND...now....we wait! Is it wrong to want to stop at the pharmacy and pick up some "at home pregnancy tests" and maybe take one on Friday? Maybe we can all vote on that...???

Who doesn't love BABIES and LAUGHING?? Check it out!

Feeling Good

Wednesday we drove down to JAX and went in early Thursday morning for the embryo transfer.  Out of the 10 embryos that Winslow initially was watching, they transferred TWO (and are likely freezing at least 4).  The procedure lasted about 30 minutes and than they left me laying partially upside down on a wedge and tilted bed for another 30 minutes (not nearly as fun as it sounds).  JCH and I joked about the whole upside down thing before hand…and it’s no myth…they actually do that!

The WEDGE, my gown, cap and slippers



ME nearly totally upside down

After my 30 minutes upside down I was sent home, confined to bed rest (awesome), and was ordered to elevate my hips with at least two pillows for the remainder of the day (not so awesome).  JCH was a wonderful doting husband all day yesterday, making sure to read my post-op instructions word for word, and ensuring that it wasn’t necessary for me to even lift a finger.  I told him that the nurse said my mild nausea was most likely from being slightly “hyper stimulated” but that Gatorade and V-8 juice would help.  While I napped at the hotel, JCH filled the entire back of the SUV with Gatorade and V-8 Splash from the store across the street.  I giggle and think its super “cute” because I see him caring for me in a way that shows what a remarkable daddy he will be.  I love him.

I woke up feeling great today!  I slowly nose-dived into a sleepy state with mild cramping in the afternoon.  Not sure if it’s because it’s Friday or if it’s symptoms of my little embryos working hard to implant (take all the energy you need super embryos).  In tradition of my typical mentality I have also been giving my little embryos pep talks throughout the day!  You would be embarrassed for me if I told you what I said…but just as JCH testes got a pep talk…these “little guys” are too!

Ooooo…I almost forgot to mention the CRAZY FOOT CRAMPS!  The doctor didn’t have an explanation, and I am eating really well sooo I can’t really explain it, but I have been having FREQUENT foot cramps…and I’m talking 5-minute long, ugly face-making, silent-grunting foot cramps.  So bad that JCH fears that I'll get another one...lol.  JCH has been massaging my feet to hopefully prevent more from happening...here is hoping...

Well…BEST FOR LAST…drum roll please….

The pregnancy test has been set and ordered for Monday, November 14^th at 8am!!!  Sadly, the blood work will be sent off to Florida and we won’t know the results until later in the day.  I think I’m going to ask that Patty conference call both of us so that we can find out together...I would rather us be together when we find out…but at the very least both on the call.  I guess nothing has been “normal” this whole time…why start now!

"Phobia Shots"

My sweaty palms are back! (but we’ll get to that part later)

Yesterday Winslow called to let me know we currently have 10 embryos (YES 10!) and that he would like to let them incubate a few more days.  This means our “transfer” aka “implantation day" will be this THURSDAY!  He said they will plan to transfer TWO embryos to increase the chance of pregnancy which in turn will also increase the chance of multiple babies (twins!).  Once again, those of you who already have kids will think I am legally insane when I say this but “I kinda want twins”!

Okay, onto the sweaty palms…

Last night was the first night of the… let’s just called them “PHOBIA SHOTS” (you’ll see why later)!  The “phobia shots” will continue once daily for the next 12 weeks (yes, unbelievable), are with a much larger needle than the previous shots…oh and they are a super thick “cotton seed oil and progesterone" mixture!  Last night as JCH and I were reading over the new “injection instructions” I literally started to cry.  I know it had to have been partially because of the hormones, probably a lot to do with my fear of needles but I think the majority of the tears came from being sick of shots and knowing I’m going to be doing this for a lot longer than just a few weeks! After having my little “cry baby” fit, a wave of nausea hit me, followed by dizziness and the immediate need to sit down before I passed out.  From now on I will call this “Casey’s stages of FEAR”.  Joking around with a coworker about it this morning I got curious about the actual physical symptoms of fear and came across this:

The symptoms of blood-injection-injury phobia are slightly different from other phobias.   Like other phobias, you initially feel anxious as your heart speeds up. However, unlike other phobias, this acceleration is followed by a quick drop in blood pressure, which leads to nausea, dizziness, and fainting. Although a fear of fainting is common in all specific phobias, blood-injection-injury phobia is the only phobia where fainting can actually occur.

Anyway, now that you know all about “blood injection injury phobia” (LOL) we can get back to my story!  When speaking about being tortured, I can actually say that JCH did a great job (he’s very steady and confident-which helps me feel a little better).  These shots are the first to actually make me jump when he pokes me (yeah it hurt)!  The injection site is a little sore today and we'll have to switch to the other “love handle” tonight!  In the case of hormone injections it pays to have a little “spare tire” to have more space to choose from for injection sites.  Too bad I didn’t bulk up my diet to help with that!

I said “the sweaty palms are back”…but it seems it was much more than that this time!  I know it comes off as though all I've done is complain...I'm just feeling like a baby lately...I'm ready to be happy glowing preggo lady with a baby on the way (or two). :)

Wish me luck tonight! Countdown to Thursday!

This is what I look like!